Sunday, August 30, 2009

Live and let live...

"LIVE AND LET LIVE," was posted on a friends facebook status. Just one out of a hundred but it stood out. Why did they feel the need to post that? What part of their life was being completely judged?

It is no fun to have the world pick apart your every decision. And when you live at home, engaged to the man who you divorced, with no job (And yes it does make you feel like a failure...thanks:)...you feel like you live under a microscope of vultures. What is she thinking...he is no good? Why don't they move out...what a disgrace? How can she turn down a job...she just expects her parents to keep helping her? She is so spoiled...that is codependency, how unhealthy...what have I NOT heard??

I have to admit...part of me wants to stand up and defend and another part of me wants to lay down and feel defeated...and yes world...that is what our judgements do to people...make them feel DEFEATED. Is that what we want when we judge people? To shame them into doing what WE think is best?

God asked Noah to build an Ark...when it wasn't raining. God has asked my cousin Jennifer to go to Kenya at Christmas...she doesn't have a job. God asked me to give Brad a second chance...we are divorced and it wasn't really all that great the first time. God asks my friend Robin to stop and pray for strangers. God asks ordinary people to do extraordinary things EVERYDAY...things that don't make sense to anyone...often they don't even make sense to those he asks. BUT THEY DO IT...and we, the rest of the world, look on clucking our toungues and condemning their craziness. I have been guilty...I don't understand why people do what they do...but it isn't my place to question. I, myself, have turned down much needed jobs...and people think I have lost my mind...but I trust my creator. I, myself don't understand what is happening and get discouraged...but I TRUST my CREATOR.

Live and let live, friends. I am guilty of all these things but we never know what God is leading others to do.

I hope my friend that posted this comment reads this and knows that I feel her pain. Just do what God is leading you to do and don't worry about the rest of the world:)

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I struggle

Discernment is a term used in Christian tradition to describe the process of discerning God's will for one's life.

It is a one sentence definition. It's not a hard to understand what IT is....it's just hard to understand what to DO with it. We hear this word all the time...but how DO we discern what it is God's will for our lives?

What if things change? Circumstances change all the time...it gets complicated. And when things get complicated...people stress out and stop trying.

It is a struggle...it is MY struggle. I want to be able to discern what is of God and what is not. I want to be in God's perfect will but I have spent more time lately trying to understand God's will instead of just talking and listening to him.

God wants us to seek him...always. But with a child like spirit...don't question, don't get confused...just seek and you will find. It's simple. It's NOT complicated.

So...starting this minute...no more struggle. No more complicated. I will seek the will of God and I will listen to the one voice that matters. HIS.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

School starts TOMORROW

...and I am sad. My son is 6 years old...yes, some of you that are reading this are getting old:). He is starting the first grade tomorrow...and though I am excited that he is getting older and growing up...a part of me is really sad that we are going back to school. I will miss being with him all day. Sure he has driven me crazy...but the times that he came and snuggled with me or the games of Operation or the "homework" we did most days...I will miss that. I will miss my baby girl as she goes to daycare. I MISS BEING A STAY AT HOME MOM! There I said it.

Why does that cause me guilt?? I feel selfish for wanting to be with my kids...how stupid is that??

Anyways...I am not excited for school to start. Bishop will do great...I feel really good about the dual language program he is going to be in. I really hope we can continue it until he is 6...but that is all in God's hands and not for me to worry about. It isn't a GT program but it is a "higher level thinking" option which is what he needs.

I do think I have decided to student teach first semester and unless God convicts me to sub or I find a job...I will be staying home second semester. I will take on more hours at McD's and get some more programs started for them...but I will get to spend more time with her. I WANT this last year...just her and I. I had Bishop for three years by himself...she deserves a semester.

I am okay with where we are. Living with my parents is...what it is. There are pros and cons but right now it works for us. My parents are in limbo for a couple of years as well so it just works. It isn't ideal...I miss painted walls:) but I also enjoy sneaking out for dinner with Brad after the kids are asleep. I am okay that I am not teaching...I feel like this is exactly where God wants us to be for now.

I will be praying for all the children going back to school tomorrow...God is severely missed in public schools.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Brodie's Bday Party


We are NOT too old to skate...:)
It was MUCH more of a work out trying to keep these two on their feet!

I loved her little, tiny skates:)



Bishop...still needs some work:)



Shawnee pushed Shay and Chase around...I think she just wanted to cheat...LOL. Is that not the greatest invention ever?!




Shayden is showing us how it's done :)

video

Brad is...well...you decide:)

video

Bishop is better on TWO wheels:)

video

Friday, August 21, 2009

Who'd have thunk it?

You see this man. Yes...you see him...but do you know him?? He is my ex-husband...my high school sweetheart, my current fiance, and well...he's just Brad. Are you confused? So are most people...don't worry...most everyone else is too:).

It has been a wild ride...but it all had to happen to get us HERE.

My first husband was an ass...yes, my first husband was Brad...and he was a real jerk. But divorce and the grace of Christ have made him a really amazing man, husband, and father. If you knew him before...I promise you don't know him now. Or me, for that matter.

I just wanted him to know how much I appreciate his support...to stay home, to teach...to move, to stay...he rocks.

There is power in prayer, my friends...MAJOR power...JESUS power:).

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Word of God Speak...

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmm...

Things that make you second guess where your headed and what you are doing.

I want to be a teacher...I think I will be a really good home ec teacher. I have lesson plans in my head..I have innovative ideas for my projects. I believe that I can help students succeed. That said...

I decided to go back to school to pursue education because I was backed into a corner. I was a stay at home mom facing divorce....facing a lot of obstacles, actually. I needed a job...quickly...and because being a mom was more important...I needed a job that would allow me to still be a mom as much as possible. I turned down a full time job because I would have worked 12 hour days. Money would have been fab...but the cost of never seeing my kids was too high. I decided that I would pursue what I had always wanted to do...teach. I was living at home so I could afford to go to school. I have completed all the coursework, I have passed all the tests...I even subbed for a year to have some sort of classroom experience. All I like to be certified is a full time "internship." Here lies the problem...

I don't know what to do. I am praying...I am exploring different options in my head. God has been speaking to me today...in a way that I wasn't really expecting. I went up to the school I work for today and I said hello to everyone...told them I would be subbing, helped my mom with bulletin boards. I gave Shayden's daycare some money for registration. Life was going as I expected it to. And then Shay and I got in the car to come home...and a well know Christian song came on the radio. I can't even think of the title but I closed my eyes and cried (we were home by then...no worries:). I envisioned Jesus taking my hand and moving me back to the passenger seat...and he took the wheel back from me. I knew I had been trying to "drive" and I needed to relenquish the wheel...it was a relief to let him have it back. We went inside and I didn't give it much more thought.

Fast forward to 11:00. I go in to check on my kids one last time before I pass out and "Cry out to Jesus" is playing on the radio. More tears as I kiss Shayden on the cheek...why??? Why am I such a crybaby today...what is wrong with me. What is this anxiety??? I trust God has a plan...it is all good...why am I so unnerved? I crawled back into bed and Brad asks if I am going to sleep. No. Do I want to watch tv? No. Why are you being weird? I don't know. And then...out of nowhere...I start telling him things that are bothering me that I haven't even voiced to myself.

I'm not comfortable with Bishop's new school or program. I'm not ready to take Shayden back to daycare. I'm not sure subbing is the right answer this year...maybe I should work at McDonald's full time. Maybe we should move. How did we ever survive when we were married? Talk about a RUSH of emotion...from nowhere. I can't explain today...I can't explain what I am feeling. All I know is that the jobs I have been offered and turned down have really put a lot of things back into perspective. I am a Mom FIRST. My job will always be a distant second...is that what God has been trying to remind me? I want to teach...but not at the cost of my precious time with my children...it is flying by and I can't get it back. I have said out loud many times that maybe God's plan is for me NOT to teach this year so I can have more time for my kids. I DON'T KNOW.

The flip side is...if I were offered the local job...I would take it.

I DON'T KNOW.

All I can do is to continue to pray...a lot of options are swirling through my head right now and I am just praying God show me which one is HIS glorious plan. Please pray for me...even if you disagree with the choices I have made or anything I have mentioned...pray that God will reveal exactly what HE wants.

Lord, All I can say is...drive. I am giving you the wheel and I will try not to be a backseat driver. Show me the way. Amen.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Be (In)Couraged

Through blog stalking and web surfing, I discovered this new website for women...
http://www.incourage.me/

I love any website that is encouraging for women. Women can be a difficult bunch and we have all been on at least one side of the "Mommy Wars." This websight is designed to be a place for encouragement and a place to feel uplifted instead of competitive and disheartened. We, as women, need to lift each other up...pray for one another...LOVE one another.

In keeping with this website, I am supposed to blog about what encourages me. Something to think about it you haven't...it took some thought. I am encouraged by daily devotionals...stories about Jesus working in amazing and miraculous ways. Stories that remind me that life is more than just a coincidence...God is always present and always working. I am encouraged by my friends and family...their love and support is sometimes all that sustains my sanity. I am encouraged when I succeed...when I lose two pounds, I am encouraged to lose 2 more:). I am encouraged by my kids...when they become proud of accomplishments...they encourage ME to do and be better! Mostly I am encouraged by prayer. My one on one relationship with JC is what encourages me the most. I realize I disappoint people, I realize I disappoint myself...but when things get out of control and I feel like I can't go any further...I am encouraged by his words and his presence. HE ROCKS:).

Check it out...and have a blessed and FABULOUS day:)

Friday, August 07, 2009

FEAR

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and sorry I could not travel both..." ~Robert Frost

This is where I stand...at a fork in the road. Do I take the one less traveled...or the one that many have gone down? Hell...the fork I am staring down...I can't even decipher the difference.

I have been offered another job...one that pays well. I don't know much about the position...I am still waiting on info on it. I did not interview, I did not do anything but submit my resume. I do not feel comfortable with the situation...moving in a week, finding childcare faster than that, being the sole breadwinner for an unknown amount of time. I am AFRAID. I just don't know of what. I believe that God will help us make it through anything....so what is it I am afraid of? Failure? Unhappiness? I don't know.

So I stand here...and I don't want to make a decision based on fear. But I also don't want to make a decision to prove I am not afraid. You see the quandary.

I have prayed for a job and now I have been handed one. Is it wrong to say no? Is it wrong to wait for another one? Is it wrong to wait on God a little longer? If they are desperate...others will be as well. What is of God and what is Satan trying to intervene? All questions I don't have the answers for.

I have heard many opinions...and I don't begrudge anyone's advice. I am asking myself the same questions. I feel extreme inner turmoil over walking in faith and doing something just to prove that I can. I don't feel God tugging me towards this job...I don't feel God saying GO. I feel like I have to PROVE that I can step out in faith and I would not be doing it because the Lord said to...but because I want to prove to those who have doubt in me.

I have no idea at this point what is right and what is wrong. I know that no matter what we choose we are covered by Christ. I will be praying...that is all I can say at this point...
This is how Shayden eats a corn dog. She is the most tomboy DIVA I have ever known. Lord, help us:)
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Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Life for now...

Sh*t happens. *GASP* I know...but I didn't have a better way to put it. Bad stuff happens all the time. Husbands cheat, kids falter, people get sick, friends get divorced, families die...things happen everyday. Things that we dread, things that rock our worlds apart, things that send shivers down our spines...they happen everyday. Jobs are lost, homes are foreclosed on...our world today is sometimes not all that pretty and our economy is more than a little scary. What amazes me in all of this is the blessings that come to those that make it to the other side.

People learn (me included) to appreciate what they have...the little things that make life worth living. Your children laughing, an extra 30 minutes at the pool, extra quiet time with God. When you suddenly realize that life can be gone in an instant...or at least the life you KNOW...what's really important stands out. Bishop asked me the other day what we would do if our house burnt down with all of our stuff. I told him that we would be sad...but as long as he and his sister are okay...I will have all I need to start over.

I have lived at home with my parents for over a year. I have defended myself from countless people...I have justified until I was blue in the face. I finally conceded that people will judge and just left it with God. Only now...when I am facing another year at home waiting to see where God takes us do I realize the very thing I am ashamed of is something to be grateful for. Not grateful because it is a roof...but because my children get to live with their grandparents and when they are older will have great memories of it. Because I get to have conversations with my parents that would never happen if we lived even blocks apart. Because if we want to play cards on a Wednesday night...we can. My kids will remember that for 2 years...they got tucked in by mommy and daddy AND nana and papa.

My life isn't what I thought it would be...but it is still amazing. I still have no idea what or where God is leading my family...but I will wait patiently (well, I will TRY to be patient:) for him to show us.

BLESSINGS mi amigos...:)

Monday, August 03, 2009

There's no such thing as perfect people...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9znqy_4FY40&feature=related


Love this song...so true. We all try to pretend that we are stronger than the world...we can handle ANYTHING thrown at us. Don't let the world see you are weak...

I AM weak...He IS strong...

Nothing in life is perfect...no marriage is perfect, no child is perfect, no life is perfect. But He IS perfect...so we're covered:)