KISS MY ASS :)

No more anonymous comments....

"fuuny how your post from weeks before state no more advice for divorce ...but yet you still keep blogging about it. get over it already!"


I have been called on the carpet by an anonymous blogger...I stated I was tired of advice about my divorce. A couple of weeks later I blogged about it again...but ya know what...

IT IS MY BLOG:)! I can be hypocritical, bitchy, loving, uplifting, mean....I get to say whatever I want...:)

This is my outlet...my way to get my thoughts out of my head so that they might make sense...whoever left it....you are a coward for being anonymous....and you should learn to spell:). I may say things from time to time that contradict or even make no sense...but I have the guts to put my name on it...

If you don't like it...well...you read the title....

Everyone else...sorry...I felt the need to respond...

Patience

Hmmm....

Well, I attempted to post something on here yesterday and it became a little irate and so I removed it. Someone saw it and will never know how much I appreciated the kind words. The world is NOT all bad...:).

I have a long ways to go in the healing process. I think I know what I want...but the timing has to be right, it has to be what God wants, AND there has to be a lot of healing. A LOT of healing. I feel like I am back at square one which is exactly where God wants me to be. I didn't learn what I needed to learn...that God needs to be my crutch...my Rock...no one else. Some have said that I have to stand on my own two feet...but ya know what...I don't have to stand...I can lean...on Christ. I KNOW, without a doubt, that God will get me where he wants me to be...I can stop trying to control things.

This doesn't mean I won't want to write more blogs like yesterday's or that I will stop all the crying. It just means I have taken a baby step...

I will pray for myself, for my kids, and yes...Brad, too. Though I am so angry that I can't see straight...I can't bring myself to hate him...I still want the father of my kids to get it together.

Thank you friends:)

My goal now is to pra

It feels like Sunday...

...and I hate Sunday's. Sounds horrible, I know, but we go to church on Saturday so it isn't as bad as it seems:). Sunday's just have a horrible effect on me...I start the week on Monday with a positive outlook and I generally make it through the week okay. Saturday's are either really busy or really laid back but then we hit Sunday. And for whatever reason...I fall apart. I don't know what it is...I miss my house, I miss the feeling that someone loved me even if they weren't around. I miss the security...I don't even know what I miss...I just know that what I have right now isn't enough. Sunday's suck:).

And today felt like Sunday...and once again in my life, I feel like yesterday's garbage. And that is just a very awful way to feel. Door's open and door's close...but I am just standing in the doorway and don't know whether to go in or out.

Sunday's suck...

It's been a long day....more headaches than I care to even blog about......but God has a way of getting to us even when we do our best to avoid Him. It was the kind of day with lots of tears and frustration and feelings of complete inadequecy. The kids and I read from a WWJD book every night before bed and tonight the story was about a mother who was sad and how Jesus brought her son back to life to make her happy. It ended with this short prayer...

"Dear Lord, thank You for all of the happy times in my life. When I am sad, please help me to think about You so I can be happy again. I love you. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Yeah Lord...I got it....:)

Christmas favs

Just for fun :)

Photo Journal...

I have to take a picture everyday....there are NO rules...I just have to take a picture. I challanged my bff's, Lashawn & Jodi, to create a photo journal for 2009. I knew Shawnee would join...she's a photographer...come on...she HAD too:). Jodi surprised me with a yes as well so we are doing it!! The catch is it is NOT online...we have to print them...glue them into a book (yes, we have the right glue) and at the end of the year we will get together over appletini's and have a merry time sharing them. Anyone who would like to attempt this with us is welcome too!! It is actually funny because I find myself looking for a picture...what inspires me today? What will I wish to remember about THIS day in 20 years? After all..."This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Now...aren't you impressed that I LINKED websites to names...whoo hoo:)!!!!

Please NOTE

The FABULOUS new design on my blog...many thanks & kudos to my insanely wonderful BFF, LaShawn:)

And please also note that all divorce advice and or comments will NO longer be accepted as it is a new year & I am tired of hearing it...

It has been a day....can ya tell:)? Divorce illicits a different response in everyone but it certainly never fails to GET a response. Everyone has an opinion about what I have done, about what I haven't done, about what I SHOULD have done, about EVERYTHING...and I am closing the door to any and all opinions. I may have a button made that I can hold up anyone starts to say, "Well, I think...." Lashawn...maybe we could capitilize on this somehow...:)

It is cold, I am tired...so I am going to curl up and go to sleep....

WHAT IS ONE THING THAT YOU WILL DO IN THE NEXT YEARAND ONE THING THAT YOU WON’T DO?

Will do:

Pay closer attention the little things. I am NOT going to stop and smell the roses (unless of course they are delivered to myself with a card that says, "I can't stop thinking about you!") BUT I do want to appreciate smiles from strangers and pennies on the ground. Life happens why we are busy making other plans...I WILL enjoy moments more...Happy New DAY...not year:)!

Won't do:

Be bitter. I will not let my cynacism control me. I will not make others pay for the mistakes made by my ex husband or lost friends. I have been the world's worst cynic for too long. It is time to trust more and give the benefit of the doubt.

Lashawn...you going to have a snack with me??

This is MY year. MINE! I turn 30 this year (shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!) so I am claiming it for ME! 2008 was...well it was what it was...and I spent the entire year just trying to survive and find myself. I've come a LONG ways in rediscovering Shana so now it is time to live again. SO...in the spirit of living and learning...I am determined to learn how to make the perfect apple martini:).

2009 RESOLUTIONS

1) JOB...full time teaching position. To believe in myself...believe that the perfect position is out there for me and believe that I will be a great teacher.

2) IMAGE...I have a very unhealthy self image. Nothing about me is perfect...not my hair, my body...it never will be...I have kids:). But the key is acceptance of the things I can't change and the sense to change the things I can...aka..lose weight. I know THAT one is a shock:)

3) FAITH...I am on the right track. I am back to letting Jesus take the wheel instead of making him ride in the trunk:). I still try to grab the wheel at times but I am doing better. My prayer life is still not what I want it to be...I used to be a prayer warrior and that got lost...I WILL change that.

4) PRIDE...forget it. Pride is stupid...I worry that people think I am not doing enough because I live at home. Or that they judge every step I take...the reality is that some do...I just shouldn't care. Judgement is reserved for One and beyond that I need not care. As long as I feel I am where God wants me...than I need to stop worrying about what people think.

I know I said this is MY year...and it is. But it isn't mine alone...it belongs to all things important to me...to my relationship with Christ, my kids....it will be a good year. Divorce is very humbling...suddenly everything you valued is gone...the husband, the house, your family is dissolved and there is nothing you can do. But when you finally get to the other side...past the anger & bitterness...and you stop trying to prove your tough (who, me?!) and let God take over...it is pretty amazing. Not perfect...but still amazing.

I am ready to move on with my life. Ready to forgive, forget, and move FORWARD.
Happy 2009...thank you to everyone...I couldn't have survived 2008 without such amazing people around me...
:)

I got as close as I could...

Shawnee posted a blog from 2006 and it was a good one. And I wondered what I had posted on that exact day...I was just as pregnant and moody as she was at that point. Isn't it amazing...I am sure that God planned for her to do that so I would do what I did...here is the post that was 2 days before hers...the closest one I had...

Just what I needed to read and remember...I don't believe in coincedences....I believe God planned it all...then and now...

HERE IT IS:

God is AWESOME!!
What a week. OH...it's only Tuesday. Well, what a rough couple of days:)! MOnday was a bad day. The kind nightmares are made of. One of our baby goats died. Yes, died. The one morning Brad does't check on the little buggers & I walk out to discover a VERY sick Buzz Lightyear. He couldn't stand or move...he was barely breathing. It was AWFUL...way more than an 8 month pregnant woman can take. I didn't even WANT the goats but I sure didn't want the thing to die!! I frantically call Brad (who for the first time ACTUALLY answered when he was needed) who came home to acess the situation. His opinion was that it was not good....well, thank you Captain Obvious. The neighbor lady came by & was like...he's not going to make it. GREAT!! I am SUPPOSED to be getting ready to go to the doctor & I am trying to figure out what to do with a dead goat & how to explain to my three year old that his new pet is no longer here. SHEESH! Brad ends up taking care of the situation & Bish & I get ready to go to town. I was worried that God would be upset with us for not trying to get him some help (even though I don't think he could have been helped) but try rationalizing with someone who is 8 months pregnant...ain't happening. I prayed for Buzz & tried to go on but the tears kept coming. Finally, Bish & I were ready so we walked outside to the car. I decided to toss something in the trash on the way & noticed something. Something BEAUTIFUL! There, on our porch, was a huge, gorgeous Monarch butterfly...just sitting there. And not just sitting...I noticed that it was HANGING from it's now empty cacoon....it had just "hatched." I knew that God was telling me to chill out & that he was handling everything & that everything was okay....which I desperatly needed to know. You see...my mom has a thing with butterflies....she says God sends them as a reminder that He is with us & that things will be okay. And there, at a time when I needed it most....God reminded me of His daily miracles & that He was with us....all of us...even Buzz Lightyear. So...God is awesome. He knew two weeks ago when he placed that cacoon on my porch that in two weeks I would desperatly need a sign & that it would be delivered at PRECISELY the right moment....God's amazing love for his children is just so...awesome! To make things even more wonderful...there are NINE more cacoons hanging on my porch...LOVE IT!! Thank you God for your precious miracles & for loving me even at my worst...Happy Tuesday Friends!!!

Playing Catch up

I am behind. On everything. Not school or jobs or anything like that...just on the little things in life and I can't seem to catch up. I forgot Katie's birthday. For those of you who don't know Katie...she is my cousin and one of my best friends. She turned 24 on July 3rd and I didn't call her. I didn't send a card, I didn't sing happy birthday. I simply didn't realize the day had passed until she wrote something about it on her myspace. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!! I sent Jodi's bday present to her last month...her birthday was in APRIL!!! I still haven't gotten my dad a Father's Day card...I just can't catch up, Jodi got a promotion and I didn't send a card, Sheila lost her dad and the sympathy card is laying on my dresser. And it is really bothersome for me because that was my gift. I ALWAYS sent cards and thank yous...uh huh...yea...Shayden't birthday thank you's...HA. I don't even have a good excuse...I think is some kind of mental block and I can't figure it out. Maybe I should just go to the store...buy a handful of random cards, a book of stamps and then I will be prepared...that would be a GREAT birthday gift:).

Speaking of birthday's...mine is this week. I will be 29...the last official birthday of my 20's. You have NO idea how surreal that is. TWENTY NINE....the last year before thirty. You know...that magic age that you thought makes you OLD...scare bear!!! I am trying to embrace it...I realize now that 30 is not old. It is a rite of passage...:). RIGHT...tell myself that:). Seriously...I look at my life and the things I do and I wonder just how crazy my parents were at this age that I was oblivious to. They always seemed so boring and old...now I question how they spent their Friday nights while I was with the sitter:).

Okay...enough rambling...

YEA!!!

Please notice my brand new, very fabulous header:)! (And PLEASE don't tell my professor about the MANY grammatical errors in this blog...) I will try to let that inspire me to blog here again...

Thank you SHAWNEE for making it more...ME:)!!!!

Those pictures were taken at a Rattlesnake Roundup in Mangum, OK...yes...we are COUNTRY:)!!