He is great but we are small...

BIG: 1 large as in size, height, width, or amount
2 of major concern, importance, gravity, or the like
3 outstanding for a specified quality
4 important, as in influence, standing, or wealth
5 grown up; mature


Big is relative. My kids think that our house is GIANT. I realize that it is quite average and that the house my husband sprays that is 19,000 square feet is actually the giant house. It's all about perspective.

Two days ago a friend posted on her facebook that she was looking forward to BIG changes in 2012. I think we all are. But what is big? A new job, a new house, moving to a new state or even country, a new marriage, a new addition to your family...those would be considered big by anyone's standards.

But something on that day and that particular status began to challenge my thinking. How much of God's BIG changes do I miss because I am watching for something "large in size" or "of major concern?" God's BIG changes are often so subtle that we miss them...your child learning the ABC's, serving in a new capacity, reading "The Ministry of Motherhood" by Sally Clarkson. HIS big can be quite small and yet just as life changing as your child learning to read because they are going to move mountains for Him someday. Or serving as a Sunday School teacher while the children open your heart in unimaginable ways. Or reading a book that completely changes the way you view motherhood and realizing that your children are your biggest ministry. (Read the book, Moms...just read it:)

This particular friend is wanting a way to move back to Texas...she needs God's hand to do big and mighty things. But I can almost guarantee that his big will start out very small. My word for the year is INTENTIONAL. I want to be intent on watching for HIS big movements in my heart and in my world. Big is relative, after all:)

I don't have to be right...

I know that Brad and I are getting older. We have more aches and pains. We have traded in fancy date night outs for casual early dinners and a bottle of wine at home. I'm less worried about the high heels and more worried about processed foods. The other day we went out for brunch (see...we do BRUNCH for dates now:) and after being seated Brad said, "Could that girl's skirt be ANY shorter?" Yep...things have definitely changed.

I am also learning in my old age. I have always been a very passionate person. I have this burning desire to prove my point because you see...I am usually right. (That was REALLY sarcastic for those who don't really know me...we REALLY need a sarcastic font:) I am learning...prepare yourself...I don't have to be right. I don't have to prove my point. People can think I am wrong....they can even think I am crazy. I am learning to let them. Shocking, I know.
Now...if you want to come after my kids or husband I won't back down quite as easy...I am STILL a work in progress:). But as for me...I CAN BE WRONG.

It's amazing how not arguing has freed up a lot of time. I don't get on the Star Telegram site and comment anymore. I don't get passive aggressive on Myspace. YES, myspace...I told you we are OLD:) I am striving to be uplifting and encouraging even when what I want to do is stomp my feet and say BUT YOU ARE WRONG:).

God is good, friends. If he can soften my heart for his glory...he really can move mountains. Have a beautiful Friday and weekend...much love:)

I want a LUNCHBOT:)

I am a Bzz Agent and I want a :

I am a homeschool mom with two kids who are ALWAYS on the go!! I need this!! It is the perfect snack and lunch container!! Forget lunchables and all that plastic wrap...I'm GOING GREEN:)!!

Pick me! Pick me!!!

Convicted...for the millionth time

I love my church. I love my church family. I even love my preacher. I love him because he is not afraid to step on my toes or make me wiggle in my seat. I know in my heart that when he looks around the room he is not singling me out but often times I feel like he is staring into my soul saying...are you listening Shana? I know that it is really God who is whispering that but it is Pastor Rick that makes me feel his conviciton. This Saturday night (yea...a Presbytarian church with a Saturday service...we are rebels:) was no different.

He talked about the obstacles we all face. You know the ones...the car needs a new transmission, the kids need new shoes, the electric bill doubled thanks to a record heat wave. Aging parents with ailments that cause us MUCH worry. Children who stray from church, children who are experimenting with things we don't want to think about, children who are sick. Bad backs, cancer, job loss...obstacles basically suck. This was the mental image that was running through my head...

Well, actually, my mental image was a woman in high heels with a baby on her hip and a Coach briefcase slung over her shoulder while jumping hurdles but for some reason Google couldn't come up with that image:). BUT the longer I sat there I realized I was missing the BIG picture. These are obstacles that we ALL face...but the biggest hurdle that I face...the one that robs me of the most joy is this one...

Yep. I am the biggest hurdle I face. I am the one who worries. I am the one who panics. I am the one who tries to be in control and handle things on my own. I AM MY BIGGEST HURDLE. Who knew?! I am pretty good about letting God handle the big stuff that I know I can't handle on my own. But as I sat there staring at the cross I realized that I try to stay in control of the day to day stuff. The little stuff that I feel like I shouldn't bother him with or if I am being completely honest...the little stuff that I want to be in charge of. And it is the little everday stuff that drags us down into a pit of stress and worry and eventually despair. The pit I have been wallowing in because I became too overwhelmed.

I'm slow God. But I get there. I will not stand in my own way anymore. This week our preacher challenged us to just pray prayers of thanksgiving and not ask God for anything. He challenged us to just talk to Him...get to know him. I failed already...I have already asked for relief for my back:). BUT...I am giving thanks in the storm...I am thankful that I can still walk and that I have gotten smart enough to let Him have complete control meaning He gets to be the one to worry:)

Don't be your own hurdle...

My faith

My faith defines me. It is my identity. I have a relationship with a man named Jesus. Someone posed the question, "What would happen if you get to Heaven and there is no Jesus?" I would be devestated. I know him. I love him. Jesus is a REAL part of who I am.

I am a Christian but I am not perfect. Christ is the perfect one. I am constantly humbled that He chooses to love me...I fail Him on a regular basis. I know God is working on me...on us...on our family. I know that we will glorify him through our failures in some way.

Nike

So I got a little behind...I know we are all shocked:).
Today's picture is in honor of Nike the cat.

My parents inherited her about 4 years ago and she is the meanest cat we have ever had. She hid in the closet for the first 2 years they had her. Once they moved to the new house she became more tolerable. In the last year she started being social...climbing on cabinets, sitting in your lap, letting you pet her without biting:).

Sadly...she died last week...and she will be missed.

Picture a day...

The Barbie blog has made me realize how easy it is to blog with pictures. I am going to try to do a picture a day for the month of February and today's picture is BRAD;).

He is watching Spartacus...on Netflix...on his ipod...while it is leaned against HIS (yes his) Scentsy buddy.

The good life:)

Blah...Blah...Blah...

Sometimes I am embarrassed to be human. That is all.

Hello 2011

Blogging from my phone for the very first time:) Maybe I will blog more often now!! Happy New Year!!

Reflections...

First, let me tell you where I got this...
http://www.incourage.me/2010/12/20-questions-for-a-new-years-eve-reflection-2.html://

Now...let me begin:

1) What was the single best thing that happened to you this year?
Remarrying my best friend...hands down. God and God alone is responsible for the restoration of my marriage and being a part of such an amazing journey with Christ has been BEYOND anything I could have imagined for Brad and I.

2)What was the single most challenging thing that happened?
Stepping out of my financial, emotional, spiritual, and any other kind of comfort zone and making the decision to homeschool...and then sticking to it when the rest of the world said we were crazy.

3)What was an unexpected joy this year?
Ironically...homeschooling. When we made the decision I viewed it as a job...as something we HAD to do in the best interest of our kids. It has turned out to be something that not only brings me joy to do but brings joy in the form of less chaos for us as a family.

4)What was an unexpected obstacle?
It wasn't really all that unexpected...but continuing to live at home has been an obstacle. I miss having my own space!! The negativitiy and opinons of even the most well meaning friends and family over some of our decisions (ie...living with my parents, homeschooling) was a HUGE obstacle for me personally until I gave it all to God.

5)Pick three words to describe 2010.
Challenging, faith-invoking, BLESSED

6)Pick three words your spouse would use to describe YOUR 2010 (don't ask....just guess.)
Well...Brad would just pick three without thinking...so: scary, amazing, fantastic

7)Pick three words your spouse would use to describe THEIR 2010 (again...don't ask)
Eventful, blessed, amazing....he is not into these kinds of thought provoking questions:). That makes him sound thoughtless...which he's not...he just doesn't like to be put on the spot...so these are what I think he would spout off:)

8)What were the best books you read this year?
You mean besides the Bible?!? :) (I kid...I know that is everyones first response and I BELIEVE that I need to read and understand the Bible...but isn't always a page turner.) Rite of Passage Parenting by Walker Moore has been very eye opening. I also read John Grisham's The Innocent Man...his first and last non-fiction. Another eye opening read.

9)With whom were your most valuable relationships?
JESUS....and not in the "this is how you are supposed to answer" way. Like...true blue...He is my source of true strength and peace for everyday life kind of way. A close second would be my wonderful husband who truly is my best friend. My kids...my parents. I have a grand total of 5 girlfriends who keep me sane....in ABC order...Elizabeth, Jennifer, Jodi, Lashanwn, and Robin...thank you for all that you bring to my crazy life:). And I must add that it has been a joy getting to know my SIL over the past few months...love you Kim!!

10)What was your biggest personal change from January to December this year?
Letting go of other's input. Our decisions are OUR decisions. We pray about things...we trust God...we do what HE says. I am sure we will make many more decisions that seem crazy and may even be wrong because we just missed something. BUT...I have learned to stop worrying about what others think...even close friends and family....although they are and will always be harder to tune out:).

11)In what ways did you grow emotionally?
See #10:). That was HUGE emotional growth for me. It is still a process. My new mantra for 2011 is "creating our OWN kind of normal." We are crazy Jesus Freaks and will continue to make people think we are crazy...but it's okay...I have accepted it and have stopped agonizing over it. HUGE:)

12)In what ways did you grow spiritually?
I have learned to trust more. Deciding to homeschool was a HUGE step in faith for me. I have always worked at least part time and homeschooling meant I would give up working at all. Once we finally decided to make that leap...I cried it out with Jesus...how can we manage financially? And He answered very clearly...trust me...I have a plan for marriage and parenting...and it works...just trust me. We did...I did...and things have been fine.

13)In what ways did you grow physically?
OUT:). LOL...I kid...sort of. Needless to say...I will start 2011 with weight loss goals.

14) In what ways did you grow in your relationship with others?
This year I decided to reach out to people even if I felt stupid doing so. I tried to be friendlier to cashiers...I tried to start up a conversation at Bible Study...I offered to help even when people looked at me like I was eating bugs. It has helped...I have made many new friends through our church family!!!

15) What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home.)
BEING HOME!!! Getting to watch my kids learn and grow. Knowing Shay knows half of the alphabet because I taught her. Watching Bishop slowly remember to start sentences with a capital letter and end them with a period. Doing laundry while they do their computer work...I LOVE my job!!!

16)What was the most challenging part of your work?
Balancing activities, shopping, schooling...the normal things women face:) It doesn't matter if you work, don't work, or homeschool...finding a balance is always the hardest part.

17)What was your single biggest time waster in your life this year?
OUCH. I don't like this question:). I know a lot of people would say Facebook but I don't see it as a time waster...I enjoy it and don't see it as wasted time staying in touch with people....so...probably just general surfing on the net. I can sit down to check email and sit at the computer for 2 hours and not realize it.

18)What was the best way you used your time this year?
Volunteering at our church. I don't even do that much...but it felt good to be there and being a part of a team. Homeschooling will always be time well spent. My kids were a gift and anything I do for them will always be a good use of time.

19)What was the biggest thing you learned this past year?
It is okay to step out in faith. It is okay to do something crazy when God calls you to do it. He will ALWAYS have our backs...and HIS plan is much better than our own. And even the most spiritual of people may tell you that you are wrong and have lost your mind...God knows best. Always.

20)Create a phrase or statement that describes 2010 for you.
Life's a journey...not a destination. Live well, laugh often, love much.

WEDNESDAY WANT

I said I was going to start making a list of things I want to help out my husband...which is probably a stretch considering he probably doesn't know how to find this blog anymore. But...I'm going to anyways...because it's fun and I can:).

There was a time in college when a girlfriend and I were really poor. And by poor I mean we spent all of our money going out the night before. But WHATEVER the reason...we were really poor so we called my roommate, otherwise known as the fabulous Jo-di, and asked to borrow her Sam's card. Sam's ALWAYS has good snacks at lunchtime:). She said yes, although she DID voice her concerns about our sanity. We got in just fine...I mean...I could borrow Brad's card and get in...they don't REALLY check. We grabbed our cart and decided to go "fantasy" shopping. In hindsight, I realize that what we did really upset the stocker who had to put it all back but we were 19 and stupid...and still...hyper. And hungry. So we grabbed a huge stuffed bear, plopped him down in the child seat and set out shopping. And snacking.

SO...this is my version of "fantasy" shopping without upsetting store clerks, stealing Sam's cards, and unfortunatly without the snacks. Will someone have a Scentsy party soon? I want snacks...

Here I go:

I want this necklace...which is already sold. But I want one anyways.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/55135175/family-tree-sterling-silver-hand-stamped?ref=sr_gallery_12&ga_search_query=family+tree&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_page=7&order=&includes%5B0%5D=tags&includes%5B1%5D=title

More next week...on Wednesday wants with Shana:)

CONVICTED

I have been playing defense for awhile. I'm over it.



I had a blog about "why we homeschool" ready to post. It sounded very defensive...I had research and links to back up every singe reason I offered. But I'm not going to post it because quite frankly I have decided I don't care who thinks what we are doing is weird, stupid, or just plain overboard. From now on when people ask why I homeschool I will answer with this...



"Peter and the other apostles replied: 'We must obey God rather than men!'" Acts 5:29



That is what WE are doing. We must obey God even if it makes most men uncomfortable. I could list out the many reasons we decided to homeschool and they are great reasons. BUT...it came down to THIS reason. God placed it out our hearts to make a change...and this is the change that He convicted me to make. And when I finally jumped on board...I felt the amazing peace that comes with obeying God. It meant I had a LOT of work to do...but I had the peace of knowing that it would all get done.



I am not posting the list because I don't want it to seem like an attack on those who don't make the same choices we make. We all do what we think is best. We may be on different sides of the playing field but instead of trying to prove which team is better...let's just agree we all want the same thing...well adjusted, educated children...and play together.

Summary post....

1) REALLY rough day that ended with child #1 throwing a fit for over an hour over PILLOWS.

2) Frustrated with smugness...hate it when people close to me hurt my feelers.

3) Bedroom furniture disaster today...stain doesn't match. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

4) The turtle Brad found and donated to Shyanne's turtle race won 1st place today...GO CARL:)

5) 9/11 is an emotional day...maybe that is part of my blahness. My heart aches for this country...

6) I shaved my legs...this is a BIG deal:)

7) I am seriously craving sushi. And a girls day...*ahem* Lashawn. (No they don't have to go together...lol)

8) Homeschooling rocks...like seriously. I love it. So glad I decided to listen to JC....amazing how he ALWAYS knows best:)

9) I am going to start a Wednesday want post on here...because there is so much I want and my husband needs ideas:). HA...like he checks this thing!

10) I am blessed and filled with JOY. Even on a bad day...when the external circumstances are icky...I am filled with Joy. God is good ALL the time.

11) I <3 whoever actually read this lame post...have a fabulous Sunday!

So...I'm slow.

Yesterday I had kind of a crisis. Not an OH MY GOSH, we will NEVER survive, STOP THE VOICES kind of crisis. Just a minor, yet pivotal, little crisis in my own little world. You know...the world where I imagine I am a little pink sheep:).

I sat down and thought...I am happy. Truly happy. I love the man I remarried...I cannot even begin to express what an amazing husband he is. I love my kids...I love both of their little personalities and just am so thankful to be home with them. Homeschooling (and this is something I NEVER thought I'd say) is SO fun and I love it!!! Brad has a steady paying job...we don't have it all by any means...but we have each other and that makes me heart SOAR. And then it hit me...

I HAVE ALL MY EGGS IN ONE BASKET.

Here's where the s-l-o-w part comes in. I believed (you can laugh...it's okay) that my eggs are in BRAD'S basket. And I paniced. Because...what if Brad lost his job? What if I had to go to work? How would we homeschool? What would we do? Would we have to...I could go on FOREVER. I mean...Brad and I have been divorced before...come on. The doubt can seep in now and then even with the greatest man on earth. That's when it hit me like a mack truck.

My eggs are in HIS basket.

Not Brad's. Jesus's basket. And as long as they are in His basket...it will all be okay. So I settled down. I had a laugh with Brad in bed last night...talking about eggs and baskets. And I only made him promise to never leave me twice. You can laugh there too...we do:)

HAPPY FRIDAY:)

Are you unique?

I chose this particular sheep because my favorite color is pink. It could just have easily have been yellow, orange, green, or black...whatever you fancy:).

But this picture portrays what we all want...we want to stand out in the crowd. No one wants to be a sheep that just follows the crowd. Our society embraces uniqueness. We all want to be special.

So...tell me why in a world where everyone wants to be special and to stand apart from the rest...why do we condemn this sheep?

I am a sheep...I have the greatest shepherd in the world. I kind of like the second image...I mean, my Bible is hot pink after all:).

BE UNIQUE:)

And be unashamed...don't let the world tell you that this sheep isn't special...

I am building cathedrals...

On the days when it feels like what I do doesn't matter...

On the days it feels like no one but Lashawn hears me...:)

On the days that I feel inadequate...that I can't possibly be teaching my kids what they need to know.

I have to remember...

I am building cathedrals.

If you want to know what I am talking about go to www.youtube.com and search for "The Invisable Woman."

Humanity

It sometimes discourages me.

Am I Crazy?!

Perhaps.

Lol.

Brad and I have decided to homeschool. For those of you who have been following along for awhile...yes, that means...high school sweethearts, married, kids, divorced, remarried, homeschool family.

We are not exactly what you would call the social "norm." But what fun would that be anyways?

So...we have decided to homeschool. I think God has been leading me in this direction for some time now but fear and a worldy way of thinking got in the way. I feared what others would think...I got caught up in thinking that we have done it this way for years so it MUST be okay...why should I change it? But...I was not happy with my son's school curriculum. I am not happy that God is cast out of the public school house and I am not happy with the unhealthy environment that kids are thrown into everyday. I have nothing but love for public school teachers because they are the ONLY thing holding such a broken system together.

I'm going to do my own Q & A because I know the questions that you are thinking...Brad asked them all:). Yes they will be socialized...we will go to church on Wednesday evenings. Shay is in gymanstics and Bishop will play basketball in the fall. We are looking into a Coop to join. They will get PLENTY of socialization. Yes I have a curriculum. All subjects are covered and then some:). Yes I am crazy. I panic daily with thoughts of "Can I really do this?" But the answer is yes I can. Heck...even the state of Texas says I can;).

I realize this is hard for some people to wrap their minds around. Public education has been around for a LONG time and it appears to the outside world to be working just fine. I am not out to convert the masses...I just feel like this is the best choice for our family. I've been reading about how we try to teach our children about Christ and how He should be the center focus of our lives...and then we send them to public schools 7 hours a day where his name is a bad word. Add on that my brillant 1st grader had convinced himself that he could not do math and I felt convicted to do SOMETHING. And for now...that is home school.

I have NO idea how this will go. I trust that since God laid this on my heart that he will lead the way and it will be fine. If it turns out to be a bad fit for us then we will make necessary changes.

So...am I crazy? Yes...I am. I am crazy about Jesus. I am crazy about my kids. And I am just crazy enough to try this crazy homeschool thing:).

A line in the sand...

I usually walk the fine line. I do a pretty good job of balancing, actually. I mean...occassionally I teeter onto the other side. You know the other side...the one where the doubts swirl and the devil dances. The side where I begin to doubt and borrow worries...even panic a little. But like I said...I usually balance okay.

Today...I dove into the other side. Head first...with thoughts of, "We can't make it work." And, "It's not possible...I can't do it." Not a good idea.

I cried. I stressed. I spent the day moping and fretting over things that do NOT have to be decided today....or tomorrow...or even 6 months from now. For what?

Brad and I do have some big decisions to make. Where to live? Try something new? Me to work or dive in to homeschooling? BIG decisions. And I was waist deep in the muck that can drown you fast.

The Bible was on my bed. Did I mention I love my Bible? It's hot pink and Brad bought it for me when God started working on us. And there it sat...all because Bishop mistakingly moved it. I was desperate for answers...for relief from the grief that was overcoming me...so I opened it. And guess which random page it opened to...all underlined and starred:

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

HA! Yes I know Lord..I was definitely leaning on my own understanding and it made NO sense. I kept reading...

"You're blessed when you meet Lady Wisdom, when you make friends with Madam Insight. She's worth far more than money in the bank; her friendship is better than a big salary. Her value exceeds all the trappings of wealth; nothing you could wish for holds a candle to her." Proverbs 3:13-18

SO...

I'm back on the line. And balancing much better. :)

A letter I will probably never send...

Dear ____________,



I am writing this letter because I care. I am not judging. I am not trying to hurt you. I am writing because I want everyone in this situation to heal.



All he wants is to know that you care. All he needs is to know that you love him, that you always have. He needs to know that you are proud of the man he has become. He needs to know that even though he didn't come into this world planned for or even wanted...that you are glad he came into your life. I know this may seem odd to you. In your mind he DOES know that. But he needs to hear it...because he doubts.



He knows he has disappointed you. He knows that he isn't perfect. But he deserves to know that you love him despite anything he could ever do.



I do not believe that you have ever or would ever intentionally hurt him. There was a time when I thought that might be true...but over the years I have realized that you don't see it. You don't see the pain in his heart. You don't see how your choices...your words effect him...how they always have. He chose to put up walls instead of respond. I would love to see you tear them down.



Here is where you may get defensive. And let me preface...I am not saying these things to attack or make you feel bad. I truly want healing and forgiveness to take place...I want things to get better. You have been really inconsiderate of his feelings for about the last 8 years. You don't consider how your harsh words after too many drinks haunt him. He pretends not to care...but how could he not? He yearns to have you call, to be excited to see he is calling you. You have floated in and out of our lives like snow...for a few months you call, you send cards. And then it all stops. It's heartbreaking.



I want him to heal. I want him to wake up and KNOW that you care. I want that for him SO badly. I think if you look deep within you...past all of your hurts and anger...you do too. I honestly want you to know WE care, that we love you. I truly want YOU to heal.



There is a cure for your pain...for your bitterness. His name is Jesus. He is my friend. I know you know him. Let him set you free.



love,

Shana