Monday, January 19, 2009

It feels like Sunday...

...and I hate Sunday's. Sounds horrible, I know, but we go to church on Saturday so it isn't as bad as it seems:). Sunday's just have a horrible effect on me...I start the week on Monday with a positive outlook and I generally make it through the week okay. Saturday's are either really busy or really laid back but then we hit Sunday. And for whatever reason...I fall apart. I don't know what it is...I miss my house, I miss the feeling that someone loved me even if they weren't around. I miss the security...I don't even know what I miss...I just know that what I have right now isn't enough. Sunday's suck:).

And today felt like Sunday...and once again in my life, I feel like yesterday's garbage. And that is just a very awful way to feel. Door's open and door's close...but I am just standing in the doorway and don't know whether to go in or out.

Sunday's suck...

1 comment:

Blinds said...

I read your blog from time to time and I have you in my reader, so I see that you deleted your most recent post but I was still able to read it because it was stored in my reader.

I just wanted to say that the way you feel is completely normal. It makes complete sense that you would want him to feel the pain that you are feeling. Pain can do unexplainable things to us. As hard as it is, it sounds like right now you just have to let yourself feel the pain. In time, you will be ready to heal. I wish there was a magic answer and a quick fix. The only comfort that I can provide is that you are most certainly not alone in this pain. While I have never been married and I don't have kids, I have met a "Brad" or two in my day. You have to realize that this does not have to do with YOU. The things that Brad is doing is about BRAD. While it probably feels completely personal, and is making you start to hate yourself (as you said), the fact is that its not personal. Brad is clearly dealing with things that he himself cannot manage on his own. It sounds like he has so much pain inside himself that he is pushing that pain onto you. Try to distance yourself as much as possible. Think small. I am not sure about all the details of what is going on with you guys, but set small goals for yourself. And please please do something for yourself. Do something that will make you feel good about you and will make you feel proud of yourself! I know I have been rambling on, I am sorry. On some level, I can relate to the pain you are going through. The bottom line is that it sucks. But I am certain that with time it will subside.

I am so sorry that you are going thorough this :(