Sunday, November 08, 2009
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Friday - I am thankful for the people who made me who I am today. Some people might NOT be thankful for who I am today...lol...BUT:). My parents are AMAZING. They have loved me unconditionally...and believe me, that has not always been easy. They have supported me financially, emotionally, and most importantly, spiritually. They have prayed for me, they have encouraged me, they have cried for and with me. They taught me how to LOVE and appreciate people. Beyond being amazing parents...they are amazing people...living examples of Christ's love. I am supremely blessed to be able to call them Mom & Dad:).
And YES...I am spoiled:)
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I am sitting here in the dark...not afraid....but worried, upset, and TIRED of dealing with my son's irrational fear and God just whispered in my ear. The solution is simple....pray.
"Be still and know that I am God," Psalm 46:10
Sunday, August 30, 2009
It is no fun to have the world pick apart your every decision. And when you live at home, engaged to the man who you divorced, with no job (And yes it does make you feel like a failure...thanks:)...you feel like you live under a microscope of vultures. What is she thinking...he is no good? Why don't they move out...what a disgrace? How can she turn down a job...she just expects her parents to keep helping her? She is so spoiled...that is codependency, how unhealthy...what have I NOT heard??
I have to admit...part of me wants to stand up and defend and another part of me wants to lay down and feel defeated...and yes world...that is what our judgements do to people...make them feel DEFEATED. Is that what we want when we judge people? To shame them into doing what WE think is best?
God asked Noah to build an Ark...when it wasn't raining. God has asked my cousin Jennifer to go to Kenya at Christmas...she doesn't have a job. God asked me to give Brad a second chance...we are divorced and it wasn't really all that great the first time. God asks my friend Robin to stop and pray for strangers. God asks ordinary people to do extraordinary things EVERYDAY...things that don't make sense to anyone...often they don't even make sense to those he asks. BUT THEY DO IT...and we, the rest of the world, look on clucking our toungues and condemning their craziness. I have been guilty...I don't understand why people do what they do...but it isn't my place to question. I, myself, have turned down much needed jobs...and people think I have lost my mind...but I trust my creator. I, myself don't understand what is happening and get discouraged...but I TRUST my CREATOR.
Live and let live, friends. I am guilty of all these things but we never know what God is leading others to do.
I hope my friend that posted this comment reads this and knows that I feel her pain. Just do what God is leading you to do and don't worry about the rest of the world:)
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
It is a one sentence definition. It's not a hard to understand what IT is....it's just hard to understand what to DO with it. We hear this word all the time...but how DO we discern what it is God's will for our lives?
What if things change? Circumstances change all the time...it gets complicated. And when things get complicated...people stress out and stop trying.
It is a struggle...it is MY struggle. I want to be able to discern what is of God and what is not. I want to be in God's perfect will but I have spent more time lately trying to understand God's will instead of just talking and listening to him.
God wants us to seek him...always. But with a child like spirit...don't question, don't get confused...just seek and you will find. It's simple. It's NOT complicated.
So...starting this minute...no more struggle. No more complicated. I will seek the will of God and I will listen to the one voice that matters. HIS.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Why does that cause me guilt?? I feel selfish for wanting to be with my kids...how stupid is that??
Anyways...I am not excited for school to start. Bishop will do great...I feel really good about the dual language program he is going to be in. I really hope we can continue it until he is 6...but that is all in God's hands and not for me to worry about. It isn't a GT program but it is a "higher level thinking" option which is what he needs.
I do think I have decided to student teach first semester and unless God convicts me to sub or I find a job...I will be staying home second semester. I will take on more hours at McD's and get some more programs started for them...but I will get to spend more time with her. I WANT this last year...just her and I. I had Bishop for three years by himself...she deserves a semester.
I am okay with where we are. Living with my parents is...what it is. There are pros and cons but right now it works for us. My parents are in limbo for a couple of years as well so it just works. It isn't ideal...I miss painted walls:) but I also enjoy sneaking out for dinner with Brad after the kids are asleep. I am okay that I am not teaching...I feel like this is exactly where God wants us to be for now.
I will be praying for all the children going back to school tomorrow...God is severely missed in public schools.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
It has been a wild ride...but it all had to happen to get us HERE.
My first husband was an ass...yes, my first husband was Brad...and he was a real jerk. But divorce and the grace of Christ have made him a really amazing man, husband, and father. If you knew him before...I promise you don't know him now. Or me, for that matter.
I just wanted him to know how much I appreciate his support...to stay home, to teach...to move, to stay...he rocks.
There is power in prayer, my friends...MAJOR power...JESUS power:).
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Things that make you second guess where your headed and what you are doing.
I want to be a teacher...I think I will be a really good home ec teacher. I have lesson plans in my head..I have innovative ideas for my projects. I believe that I can help students succeed. That said...
I decided to go back to school to pursue education because I was backed into a corner. I was a stay at home mom facing divorce....facing a lot of obstacles, actually. I needed a job...quickly...and because being a mom was more important...I needed a job that would allow me to still be a mom as much as possible. I turned down a full time job because I would have worked 12 hour days. Money would have been fab...but the cost of never seeing my kids was too high. I decided that I would pursue what I had always wanted to do...teach. I was living at home so I could afford to go to school. I have completed all the coursework, I have passed all the tests...I even subbed for a year to have some sort of classroom experience. All I like to be certified is a full time "internship." Here lies the problem...
I don't know what to do. I am praying...I am exploring different options in my head. God has been speaking to me today...in a way that I wasn't really expecting. I went up to the school I work for today and I said hello to everyone...told them I would be subbing, helped my mom with bulletin boards. I gave Shayden's daycare some money for registration. Life was going as I expected it to. And then Shay and I got in the car to come home...and a well know Christian song came on the radio. I can't even think of the title but I closed my eyes and cried (we were home by then...no worries:). I envisioned Jesus taking my hand and moving me back to the passenger seat...and he took the wheel back from me. I knew I had been trying to "drive" and I needed to relenquish the wheel...it was a relief to let him have it back. We went inside and I didn't give it much more thought.
Fast forward to 11:00. I go in to check on my kids one last time before I pass out and "Cry out to Jesus" is playing on the radio. More tears as I kiss Shayden on the cheek...why??? Why am I such a crybaby today...what is wrong with me. What is this anxiety??? I trust God has a plan...it is all good...why am I so unnerved? I crawled back into bed and Brad asks if I am going to sleep. No. Do I want to watch tv? No. Why are you being weird? I don't know. And then...out of nowhere...I start telling him things that are bothering me that I haven't even voiced to myself.
I'm not comfortable with Bishop's new school or program. I'm not ready to take Shayden back to daycare. I'm not sure subbing is the right answer this year...maybe I should work at McDonald's full time. Maybe we should move. How did we ever survive when we were married? Talk about a RUSH of emotion...from nowhere. I can't explain today...I can't explain what I am feeling. All I know is that the jobs I have been offered and turned down have really put a lot of things back into perspective. I am a Mom FIRST. My job will always be a distant second...is that what God has been trying to remind me? I want to teach...but not at the cost of my precious time with my children...it is flying by and I can't get it back. I have said out loud many times that maybe God's plan is for me NOT to teach this year so I can have more time for my kids. I DON'T KNOW.
The flip side is...if I were offered the local job...I would take it.
I DON'T KNOW.
All I can do is to continue to pray...a lot of options are swirling through my head right now and I am just praying God show me which one is HIS glorious plan. Please pray for me...even if you disagree with the choices I have made or anything I have mentioned...pray that God will reveal exactly what HE wants.
Lord, All I can say is...drive. I am giving you the wheel and I will try not to be a backseat driver. Show me the way. Amen.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
I love any website that is encouraging for women. Women can be a difficult bunch and we have all been on at least one side of the "Mommy Wars." This websight is designed to be a place for encouragement and a place to feel uplifted instead of competitive and disheartened. We, as women, need to lift each other up...pray for one another...LOVE one another.
In keeping with this website, I am supposed to blog about what encourages me. Something to think about it you haven't...it took some thought. I am encouraged by daily devotionals...stories about Jesus working in amazing and miraculous ways. Stories that remind me that life is more than just a coincidence...God is always present and always working. I am encouraged by my friends and family...their love and support is sometimes all that sustains my sanity. I am encouraged when I succeed...when I lose two pounds, I am encouraged to lose 2 more:). I am encouraged by my kids...when they become proud of accomplishments...they encourage ME to do and be better! Mostly I am encouraged by prayer. My one on one relationship with JC is what encourages me the most. I realize I disappoint people, I realize I disappoint myself...but when things get out of control and I feel like I can't go any further...I am encouraged by his words and his presence. HE ROCKS:).
Check it out...and have a blessed and FABULOUS day:)
Monday, August 10, 2009
Friday, August 07, 2009
This is where I stand...at a fork in the road. Do I take the one less traveled...or the one that many have gone down? Hell...the fork I am staring down...I can't even decipher the difference.
I have been offered another job...one that pays well. I don't know much about the position...I am still waiting on info on it. I did not interview, I did not do anything but submit my resume. I do not feel comfortable with the situation...moving in a week, finding childcare faster than that, being the sole breadwinner for an unknown amount of time. I am AFRAID. I just don't know of what. I believe that God will help us make it through anything....so what is it I am afraid of? Failure? Unhappiness? I don't know.
So I stand here...and I don't want to make a decision based on fear. But I also don't want to make a decision to prove I am not afraid. You see the quandary.
I have prayed for a job and now I have been handed one. Is it wrong to say no? Is it wrong to wait for another one? Is it wrong to wait on God a little longer? If they are desperate...others will be as well. What is of God and what is Satan trying to intervene? All questions I don't have the answers for.
I have heard many opinions...and I don't begrudge anyone's advice. I am asking myself the same questions. I feel extreme inner turmoil over walking in faith and doing something just to prove that I can. I don't feel God tugging me towards this job...I don't feel God saying GO. I feel like I have to PROVE that I can step out in faith and I would not be doing it because the Lord said to...but because I want to prove to those who have doubt in me.
I have no idea at this point what is right and what is wrong. I know that no matter what we choose we are covered by Christ. I will be praying...that is all I can say at this point...
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
People learn (me included) to appreciate what they have...the little things that make life worth living. Your children laughing, an extra 30 minutes at the pool, extra quiet time with God. When you suddenly realize that life can be gone in an instant...or at least the life you KNOW...what's really important stands out. Bishop asked me the other day what we would do if our house burnt down with all of our stuff. I told him that we would be sad...but as long as he and his sister are okay...I will have all I need to start over.
I have lived at home with my parents for over a year. I have defended myself from countless people...I have justified until I was blue in the face. I finally conceded that people will judge and just left it with God. Only now...when I am facing another year at home waiting to see where God takes us do I realize the very thing I am ashamed of is something to be grateful for. Not grateful because it is a roof...but because my children get to live with their grandparents and when they are older will have great memories of it. Because I get to have conversations with my parents that would never happen if we lived even blocks apart. Because if we want to play cards on a Wednesday night...we can. My kids will remember that for 2 years...they got tucked in by mommy and daddy AND nana and papa.
My life isn't what I thought it would be...but it is still amazing. I still have no idea what or where God is leading my family...but I will wait patiently (well, I will TRY to be patient:) for him to show us.
BLESSINGS mi amigos...:)
Monday, August 03, 2009
Love this song...so true. We all try to pretend that we are stronger than the world...we can handle ANYTHING thrown at us. Don't let the world see you are weak...
I AM weak...He IS strong...
Nothing in life is perfect...no marriage is perfect, no child is perfect, no life is perfect. But He IS perfect...so we're covered:)
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Sunday, July 05, 2009
But as a whole, I am doing great...I just have moments of doubt...and that is usually when I blog....:)
Saturday, July 04, 2009
You'll never be a teacher...you'll never get a job. You wasted your time and your money...you live at home with your parents and can't provide for your kids. You have failed...you are almost 30 and look where you are. You're divorced...you work part time...YOU...HAVE...FAILED.
"Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed"
Your marriage fell apart. You couldn't make it work...what's wrong with you? Where was your God then? Your kids aren't perfect...they whine, they throw fits, they don't mind...what kind of a mother are you? You got out of college and did what...NOTHING. What have you done with your life, Shana?
"The waves they keep on telling me time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!""You'll never win!"
Your best friend is so successful. Your friends are happy, successful...buying houses, getting jobs...look where you are. Living at home, no full time job and mounting bills from school. Can your kids even depend on you???
I struggle. Everyday. I hear these voices...the ones that tell me I am not where I "should" be in life. The ones that hold me back...oppress me. The voices that make me feel guilty, shameful, and threaten the pride that I have let go of. It IS a struggle...
"But the voice of truth tells me a different story"
I love you...I have a plan for you. A job that you will provide for you and glorify me all at the same time. I have redeemed your marriage...I have saved your family. I have a PLAN for you.
I provided for you...with a loving family that could help you when you needed it...
"The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
It is all OKAY...I HAVE A PLAN FOR YOU. I love you...do not worry about what others think or say...I have it all worked out. Do not fear bills or dark clouds...I am with you always. I've got this, Shana.
"The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
For MY glory...remember that. My plan doesn't always match yours but mine is better.
I struggle. Everyday. But I DO choose to listen and believe the voice of truth. I believe that God has a plan for my life...that he does have it all mapped out. I am fixing to be 30...and I am not where I want to be...but I am where God needs me to be. I can't worry about what people think...not strangers, peers, friends, or even family. I went through, WE, went through everything for a reason...so we could be where God wanted us WHEN God wants us to be there. He has the perfect job for me...in the perfect place. I hear his voice all the time...the voice of truth saying, "I've got this, Shana. I've got this...have faith and walk with me...I've got it."
I love this song and just wanted to share why it speaks to me so much...love you all...thanks for standing by me through so much...and having faith in me as well as God.
"Out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth."
Monday, June 15, 2009
miserable or we can embrace it and live. If you hold
on the past, the past will hold on to you. But if you
hold on to God, he will lead you into the future to
embrace the abundant life he planned for you all
So where ever you are in life , whatever you are
experiencing cling to the One who is Lord over all
defining moments." Rick Owen, Pastor, St. Matthew Cumberland Presbytarian Church
I am sure most of you have seen this skit before but it is worth seeing again...
It is a great reminder of just how amazing Christ's love is for each of us...everyone...no one is left out. I love that it shows how we get seperated from God...how things, people, situations make us lose sight of what is truly important. I did that...during my divorce...so many things pulled me away from him...but he is always there...ready to fight for me. We had a theatrical group from Tennesse come visit our church and do this live...very amazing. They also did a skit about an interview at"The Gates" that was very eye opening. It wasn't the gates of Heaven or Hell...it was the gate of mortality...very interesting but I am having trouble finding anything like it to post.
Jus thought I would share...we are all too busy sometimes...I like to be reminded that I am NEVER too busy...
Monday, June 08, 2009
2) Waterparks are fun...no doubt about it. So fun that we forget how awful we look...lol. But chasing around 2 kids at a waterpark...I may never recover.
3) I got to go down to the lobby with Shayden for storytime. (With a wolf named Wiley which I think is silly because Wiley was a coyote but that isn't the point.) It was perfect. The story was okay, the show they provide is mediocre at best...but looking around the room at 200 sleepy eyed toddlers with their mommies...that was priceless. Working at a midde school allows you to see very little innocence...that room was full of innocence. It overwhelmed to the point of tears. The world needs to find a way back to that...
4) Completely contradictory to that...I saw 13 year old girls walking around in bikini's that left little to the imagination and fake "tramp stamp" tattoos on their back. What happens between 6 and 12 and how do I keep my daughter from falling into that trap? I know she will test the waters and want to grow up but come on...why do tweens want to be SO sexy?? I despise the media and pop stars for making that the norm. And I despise parents for falling into the trap and accepting it. UGH
5) Great Wolf Lodge is worth the money. When you are booking it and see how much it costs...you silently (or NOT so silently:) wonder if that is a bit extravagent for one night. IT IS. Hands down...without a doubt. Go as a family...you spend two days with nothing but family activities in a hotel aimed at kids...no laundry, no bills hanging over your head, nothing but precious time together...these memories will last a lifetime.
We had a blast...I will post pics as soon as I get them uploaded...
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Bishop quote of the day : "Everyone fell down today because I am so beautiful." He was serious...lol
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Tres is the strangest cat I have ever had. I woke up this morning to a cat with his paw wrapped around my arm staring at me. He let out a little meow and just stared. Then he began to lick my arm. Then my eyebrows. WHAT?? What a weirdo cat!!! I opened my eyes again and he let out another meow. Okay, Tres...what is SO important??
HE NEEDED A TREAT!!!
By now I am SURE you have figured out Tres is a MALE cat...why else would he have such a sense of entitlement:)???
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
It is about dealing with the tough times many of us are facing. They can bring us together or tear us apart....READ IT:). The depression was a hard time...I have heard my great grandmother's stories...but the one thing great that came out of it was people coming together...is it too late for America to change?
Monday, May 18, 2009
“the One who came still comes and the One who spoke still speaks”
A Life of Service
We are many, but in Christ we are all one body. Each one is a part of that body. Romans 12:5 (NCV)
God has enlisted us in his navy and placed us on his ship. The boat has one purpose--to carry us safely to the other shore.
This is no cruise ship; it's a battleship. We aren't called to a life of leisure; we are called to a life of service. Each of us has a different task. Some, concerned with those who are drowning, are snatching people from the water. Others are occupied with the enemy, so they man the cannons of prayer and worship. Still others devote themselves to the crew, feeding and training the crew members.
Though different, we are the same. Each can tell of a personal encounter with the captain, for each has received a personal call....
We each followed him across the gangplank of his grace onto the same boat. There is one captain and one destination. Though the battle is fierce, the boat is safe, for our captain is God. The ship will not sink. For that, there is no concern.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
I have learned that being a "good" parent is beyond tough. That is where the role of soldier comes in. Bishop just threw the fit of all fits...he cried, he screamed, he refused punishment, he kicked his sisters toy on the floor. It was a beauty. We finally threw him (NOT literally people...do not call CPS) in the bathtub and told him he had lost his 5 minutes (he gets 5 minutes of video games before bed every night...it's his "thing.") You would have thought we had killed his puppy. I hated to do that...it truly is HIS thing...he gets his 5 minutes either with his dad or Papa...but we have GOT to get the fits and not listening under control. So...he not only lost it today...but tomorrow too. And then comes another battle...but that is what "good" parenting requires. I will have to put on my suit of armour tomorrow...the one that keeps me from falling for those sad eyes and alligator tears...the one that helps me stand my ground. Lord, help me...this parenting thing is tough...
I said all that to say this to anyone who has a teenager. PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT THEY ARE DOING. I hear parents say all the time, "I'll let my kid have a myspace but I will monitor it." A friend of mine had a myspace created for her BY a student (yea...not good) so we had to search through some teenage myspace pages to find it. The first thing that disturbed me was how many students pages were NOT private...13 and 14 year old girls telling exactly where they live and where they go to school. If you actually look at the pages...HOLY COW. 13 year olds with VERY little clothing on...boys with porn stars as their "friends." The language, the SUBJECT MATTER...wow. I teach in a middle school, I KNOW what they are doing, but even I was shocked. Parents...beware...
So...yea...I am ready for bedtime...lol. Tomorrow is another day...on the battlefield. BUT...Jesus is my commander in chief so I think I will make it...
Monday, May 11, 2009
Friday, May 01, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
I was running late this morning (I know...HUGE shocker:). I got Shayden buckled in the car, got it started, realized I couldn't find my cell phone (another big shocker...shut up:). I dig through my purse, look under the seats, and turn to Shay and say, "I have to run back in, I can't find my phone...I'll be right back." She looks at me inquizzatively and nods. I sprint back in the house and run around like a mad woman but find no phone. I decide to try calling it from the house phone...yes, I know I should have done that first....my brain is FOGGY in the mornings. It rings and rings and I hear no phone. I decide to see if maybe I missed it in my purse...I mean, I don't think I WOULD but ya never know:). I throw open the car door only to hear Shayden say in a very mature voice, "Your phone is in the CAR, mommy."
"How do you know, Shayden?"
"It was RINGING."
One of those...duh moments...it was all very comical except for the fact that I was 15 minutes late.
TGIF friends...try to steer clear of the swine flu...
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tonight on one of the radio stations they are talking about moms...how wonderful they are. I have always thought my mom is pretty bad ass...she is an amazing woman. And then I think about getting to BE a mom and I am completely humbled. I often don't feel worthy of being a mom...I am a mommy failure a lot. But I think back and realize that that is just part of being a mom...we learn as we go. I look at my kids and realize I would stand before a firing squad or walk thru fire for them and it is nice to know that MY mom would still do the same for me...God is awesome....
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
TA-DA!! She has to practice her landing every week:)