Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmm...
Things that make you second guess where your headed and what you are doing.
I want to be a teacher...I think I will be a really good home ec teacher. I have lesson plans in my head..I have innovative ideas for my projects. I believe that I can help students succeed. That said...
I decided to go back to school to pursue education because I was backed into a corner. I was a stay at home mom facing divorce....facing a lot of obstacles, actually. I needed a job...quickly...and because being a mom was more important...I needed a job that would allow me to still be a mom as much as possible. I turned down a full time job because I would have worked 12 hour days. Money would have been fab...but the cost of never seeing my kids was too high. I decided that I would pursue what I had always wanted to do...teach. I was living at home so I could afford to go to school. I have completed all the coursework, I have passed all the tests...I even subbed for a year to have some sort of classroom experience. All I like to be certified is a full time "internship." Here lies the problem...
I don't know what to do. I am praying...I am exploring different options in my head. God has been speaking to me today...in a way that I wasn't really expecting. I went up to the school I work for today and I said hello to everyone...told them I would be subbing, helped my mom with bulletin boards. I gave Shayden's daycare some money for registration. Life was going as I expected it to. And then Shay and I got in the car to come home...and a well know Christian song came on the radio. I can't even think of the title but I closed my eyes and cried (we were home by then...no worries:). I envisioned Jesus taking my hand and moving me back to the passenger seat...and he took the wheel back from me. I knew I had been trying to "drive" and I needed to relenquish the wheel...it was a relief to let him have it back. We went inside and I didn't give it much more thought.
Fast forward to 11:00. I go in to check on my kids one last time before I pass out and "Cry out to Jesus" is playing on the radio. More tears as I kiss Shayden on the cheek...why??? Why am I such a crybaby today...what is wrong with me. What is this anxiety??? I trust God has a plan...it is all good...why am I so unnerved? I crawled back into bed and Brad asks if I am going to sleep. No. Do I want to watch tv? No. Why are you being weird? I don't know. And then...out of nowhere...I start telling him things that are bothering me that I haven't even voiced to myself.
I'm not comfortable with Bishop's new school or program. I'm not ready to take Shayden back to daycare. I'm not sure subbing is the right answer this year...maybe I should work at McDonald's full time. Maybe we should move. How did we ever survive when we were married? Talk about a RUSH of emotion...from nowhere. I can't explain today...I can't explain what I am feeling. All I know is that the jobs I have been offered and turned down have really put a lot of things back into perspective. I am a Mom FIRST. My job will always be a distant second...is that what God has been trying to remind me? I want to teach...but not at the cost of my precious time with my children...it is flying by and I can't get it back. I have said out loud many times that maybe God's plan is for me NOT to teach this year so I can have more time for my kids. I DON'T KNOW.
The flip side is...if I were offered the local job...I would take it.
I DON'T KNOW.
All I can do is to continue to pray...a lot of options are swirling through my head right now and I am just praying God show me which one is HIS glorious plan. Please pray for me...even if you disagree with the choices I have made or anything I have mentioned...pray that God will reveal exactly what HE wants.
Lord, All I can say is...drive. I am giving you the wheel and I will try not to be a backseat driver. Show me the way. Amen.
4 weeks ago